My cousin Julie Bartelt O'Brien let me know that she likes reading about how I'm doing on this journey and I love to write so here's an update. It feels like John died years ago but it also feels like it was only a few moments ago, it was about 2 weeks ago. I keep expecting to turn around and he'll be standing there, but he is Home, his true forever Home, and for that I'm so glad, no more needles or air tanks, breathing pure heavenly air and he's with Christ, best of all he's with Christ. I said two words when John died, "You're home." (not to him, Christian's don't talk or commune with the dead) but out loud, to myself. I was smoothing his hair, I said those two words in awe, surprise and then felt an instant alone-ness (The one shall be... one?). I took the cannula off, and then after 3 years, turned the hissing concentrators off. The silence was deafening... I finally knew what people meant when they said that! I was in a room, with my husband, and he was dead. I looked around, felt as though I was in a bubble under the water, everything looked so distant, so far, far away. Then I was on a hill in the wind watching the clouds roll by, putting off the inevitable phone calls I'd be making soon, too soon, wanting to stay near the bed, waiting for something, I don't know what. "5 minutes ago he was alive", I thought, "and in the room with me, breathing, blood swooshing." But just like that- I was a widow. I wandered from room to room always circling back, looking at his body, then wandering away again, looking for something, I don't know what. "Until death do us part". A little while later Pastor was next to me when the parting happened for good, like a sheet torn in two. I couldn't breathe, it was an explosion inside of me. More people arrived. I didn't want to see his body taken away so our oldest son Jon took me for a ride, "Put your coat on", someone said... My daughter in law and friend sweetly reminded me to put my coat on." Ok, thank you. I reached up and out of the ocean depths took my coat and put it on. We drove away. My son said, "Go ahead and drink my coffee mom, it's still warm". Ok , thank you. "Remember dad loved to pick berries here, take us to watch deer there, leave the house early to drive this, the longest back-road, to work." Our boy drove slowly, the moonlit snowy fields and forest swam alongside of the car, we drifted around the lake and up the pale white hill... the phone rang, Jon said, "ok", and he took me home. The sun rose quietly outside my kitchen window.... So, here I am 2 weeks later, living/worshiping Christ, serving Him with other believers. John would smile about that, he didn't want me to wear black widows weeds, garb. My husband (I love that word and miss it... "There will neither be marriage nor given in marriage". He is solely my brother in Christ now) was a Godly man who wanted me to serve the Lord and not look back, his final admonishments. He is Home and I will go there someday too ♥ I talk to the dogs more than a normal person should, I say things like. "So guys and gals, what are we going to do today?"
xo, Pam